About Valtinen
Performer, Artist, Author
Little is known about Valtinen. His royalties are wired to a Swiss bank account and he communicates to the outside world via smoke signal from the chimney of his 1871 fortress residence. The city hall has received numerous complaints of public indecency regarding a nude humanoid figure wandering the grounds; these have largely been ignored due to the typical inclusion of horns in witness descriptions. Additional municipal violations include sky burials for roadkill, midnight outbursts of Don’t Cry for Me Argentina from his balcony, and the unlawful presence of a bison on residential property within city limits. Internet statements positively attributed to this person claim a birth year of 1638, intensive training in Liberace Fashion Principles, and the discovery of a sixth-dimensional cube in his cereal in 2002. Sightings have spiked since mid-2024 with independent investigators suggesting that he has come out of seclusion to vindicate and canonize an ancestral Russian prince.
